THE CASE FOR HOLDING CHRISTMAS PARTIES UNTIL AFTER CHRISTMAS WHEN Ms. CRANKY REALLY NEEDS THEM

Ms. Cranky will, once again, make her annual plea for not having Christmas parties at Christmas time although, so far, no one has much listened to her which makes her pretty, umm, ‘cranky.’

Ms. Cranky thinks that there are just too many parties bunched up at once and she can’t possibly go to three parties a night though she steadfastly tries.  Ms. Cranky’s philosophy and some of her family too is ‘never miss a party.’ So, she tries valiantly, clambering around town and up and down tiers of steps.  But with all these parties jammed together, she can’t possibly steal (er, ‘borrow’) Christmas cookies fast enough.

Now, Ms. Cranky wants to be clear about her Christmas cookie ‘thing.’  She doesn’t actually steal them.  She just helps herself to a few extra cookies on her way out the door and she carries her own ‘baggies’ to put them in.  But, Ms. Cranky, raised in a religious environment, also has stringent rules for her borrowing of cookies:

Like, she doesn’t steal from non-profit organizations or from someone’s home. She mostly uses her baggies and aluminum foil and coat pockets (though that can get pretty crumby, so to speak) to steal cookies from major corporations.  They can afford it.  But, if it’s a private home or a non-profit organization, she might ask the host or hostess if she could take a few cookies ‘for the road (er, subway).’  In truth, Ms. Cranky doesn’t eat a lot of sweets but she truly cherishes Christmas cookies and was once quite a baker herself. She still has little cookie cutters around to show for it but how can one bake in a Brooklyn kitchen???

But, mostly, Ms. Cranky wants Christmas parties held after the Christmas holiday season because she does not do too well during those long cold gloomy months of January, February and March.  So, if people held Christmas parties during those months, when they weren’t so busy and when Cranky and probably three-quarters of the human race really needed a good party, it would all work very well. 

But, Cranky has been gnawing on this old bone for years and, so far, not many people have budged; one couple she adores a few years ago gave a wonderful and relaxed party in mid-January and Cranky was all cranked up to go to that one and had a wonderful time.

But, actually, Christmas is the time of year you’re supposed to be sweating in overheated department stores, being sneezed on and pushed around by your fellow citizens in order to buy gifts that nobody really needs, you can’t afford and that will probably only be taken back anyway.

And, then you also have to use that Christmas party time to stand in long Post Office lines, waiting for those little yellow lights to blink or beep and then when they blink or beep, everybody starts hollering at you --- “over there --- no, go thaaat way --- go to window #12, no, go to # 6”, turn right, no, no turn leffft!” --- and, you’re so terrified you become like a deer in the headlights of the front of the Post Office Line --- wide-eyed and frozen in fear. 

Besides, you can’t go to Christmas parties at Christmas time, because at the Post Office you are once a year treated to dry packing tape that is accompanied by a weird little faded red moist (Ms. C. hates to think) sponge in a funny round glass bowl.  Every time, Cranky sees that bowl with that old sponge, she thinks of her mother and her aunts sending “care packages” overseas during World War II and thinks they probably used the same bowl.

So, a quick recap --- there are the gifts nobody needs and you can’t afford, the sneezing fellow citizens, the Post Office with its many scary scenes but, mostly, Ms. Cranky needs Christmas parties or anything even resembling any kind of party in January, February and March --- those icky months with nothing but flu and boots that leak. 

Ms. Cranky believes that many of you out there feel the same about Christmas parties in early winter and that we should form a movement --- but in this movement, we will not tent!  That’s  for sure.

Thanks for stopping by.  Ms. C. wishes you and yours the joys of the season, the real joys, and hopes you see lots of beautifully colored lights and breathe in good pine (and baking-cookie) scents.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Ms. CRANKY DIDN’T WANT TO WORK ON THE CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTING IN THE COMMUNITY GARDEN BUT, DUTIFULLY, SHE DID.

Ms. Cranky was whining and complaining to anyone who’d listen that she was tired and had had a cold for months and didn’t want to be out working in the garden in the cold.  But, Cranky was part of a community garden and each year in December they had a tree-lighting ceremony and invited people to come.  So, the gardeners had to prepare the space, put up lights, hang decorations and set out food and drink.  But, it was cold out so Ms. Cranky was in a bad mood and grumbled walking over to the garden.  She was even crankier as she felt heavy in her many layers of clothes.

All went well; she helped hang decorations on the tree with interesting people who talked the history of the holiday and that was nice but she sure wasn’t going to stay long, --- no way.  Around 4:30 when most everything was done, the guests were not invited until 5, Ms. Cranky and her friend Susan went and got warm inside a friend’s café across the street; it was closed but he let them sit while he cleaned up for the day.

And, when they came out around quarter to five, they looked across the street in awe --- dusk had fallen and the lights were looking magical, there were so many more this year; they had been put on several of the smaller bushes and trees.   The Christmas tree itself was yet dark.  It was delightful to see how nice everything looked and Ms. Cranky began ‘perking up.’  But, remember she was still going to leave and go home early, she’d been sick, it was night, it was December, it was cold, the whole routine.

Then, around five all these people arrived, like out of nowhere and all at once.  The gardeners hadn’t expected much of a crowd, just the usual neighbors, but this was a big gathering with many people they’d never seen before and everywhere Ms. Cranky looked there were mothers and fathers holding up small children to admire the lights.  It seemed like everyone was holding up a delighted child and pointing.

Ms. Cranky didn’t cry but she might have for it was such a beautiful scene.  Then, the tree itself was lit and there was even more light. 

A woman arrived with a sound asleep four-month old boy in her arms.  She hoped he’d awake as lights were the one thing he saw clearly at his age.  And, in time the baby stirred and these small shiny dark eyes looked everywhere, taking it all in, like he was eating the light, tasting it.  His eyes made Cranky so happy, she forgot she had been sick and grouchy and whining and complaining not long before.  And, she quickly started bouncing around welcoming people, thanking them for coming.  She helped pour cocoa and made sure people knew where the popcorn was.  She assisted children in putting tinsel on the tree.

And, Ms. Cranky forgot about going home early and forgot the cold and it was a most miraculous evening, there on a street corner people passed every day, next to a bustling shopping area we take for granted --- being taught by little ones --- seeing the beauty of the lights through their eyes, learning anew about astonishment and what wonder was all about.

Ms. CRANKY On --- Do People Actually Buy Clacky Shoes On Purpose?

Sometimes when Ms. Cranky is walking down the street, it sounds like half the Bolshevik army is walking behind her and it often it feels they’re going to walk right up her back.  The noise is intense and the clacky shoes people tend to be ‘close walkers.’

Ms. Cranky tries to be understanding as she pulls aside and lets the pounding pass ahead of her.  She thinks that maybe these women, usually women in these cases, tried the shoes on in a store where there were rugs and they didn’t know how horrible they’d sound out on the street.  That’s what Cranky wants to think when she’s being kind, that the person doesn’t really want to announce their every foot step to the world.

But, sadly, she thinks she’s wrong to give the benefit of the doubt.  She thinks that maybe these people actually want to clack themselves loudly through life but Cranky still wonders --- why?

Ms. Cranky thanks you, as always, for stopping by and hopes you have a lovely sunny day.  It’s sunny where Ms. Cranky lives among the clackers.  And, she’d love to hear your opinion on the subject of very loud shoes and wonders if you have any ideas on why they would be a choice?  She knows in summer we have the various flip flop noises which can be slightly annoying and many men wear the kind that shuffle along but flip flops have mostly been put away for the winter but the big guns, the loud clackers, seem to be growing in numbers.

It’s a scary thought.

Ms. Cranky, Monday, November 28, 2011

Ms. CRANKY ON ‘TENTING;’ COOKING SHOWS PART II --- on overused, though often helpful, terms

In time for THANKSGIVING DAY --- talk of cooking, basters and such
Ms. Cranky always thought tents were things you went into the woods with and set up while swearing up a storm. Then, you slept in them, praying it wouldn’t rain and the water wouldn’t come flooding under your sleeping bag.  Ms. Cranky considers herself an outdoors person, even an Adirondack woods woman at times but she stops at camping.  It holds no romance for her and it holds lots of things she’d rather not know about.

But, ‘tents’ are now another hot item term being somewhat overused on her favorite cooking shows.  But, Cranky admits that tents are helpful and wonders what she ever did without them.

Cranky thinks that she may have used ‘basters’ in place of tents, at least she assumes them similar in theory.  You know you always had a baster especially at Thanksgiving time and you’d use it to pull up the liquid around the turkey, then squirt it back on the top and sides.  Cranky thinks this was done to keep the poor turkey from drying out and also to make it a wonderful inviting-looking golden color.  Cranky’s father was the major cook in their house and every time he basted the turkey (which seemed to be every two minutes), we all had to get up and go into the kitchen and make appropriate ‘ohh’ and ‘ahh’ noises to show our appreciation.   Cranky’s dad was a great showman when it came to food and she misses him even more around this time of year.

Cranky had a baster for years, it was real old and might have been handed down to her from her grandmother for all she remembers but as she became more aware of the dangers of plastic and plastic mixed with heat, Cranky wasn’t crazy about the baster anymore.  She really wanted one of those glass basters but they were more expensive and Cranky is always on some budget or other.

But, forget all that --- the use of glass as opposed to a plastic baster because Katie the kitty came to live with Ms. Cranky four Christmases ago.  And, Ms. C. has found that the older you get and the more you live with pets, the more protective you become or that’s how it’s been for her.  Cranky’s seen too many instances of the fragility of life and has gotten more nervous over the years, but not obsessive (ehh --- well, hmm?!).

The second Christmas that Cranky had Katie the kitty (the first one the terrified animal hid the whole season so they never even got a tree), she bought a beautiful tree from Vermont, put it up, well, Cranky finds her trees almost always ‘list’ a little and she ends up balancing the lovely fir against a nearby wall.  Cranky dutifully filled the Christmas tree stand with good clean water and a bit of sugar as recommended.  But, then, Ms. Cranky remembered reading somewhere that pine was poisonous for cats though she had had three other cats that had lived with Christmas trees for years and with the aforesaid water at the bottom of the tree.

But, being older and wiser now, Ms. Cranky decided, all these years of cats and trees later that she couldn’t risk Katie getting into the pine water for a little sip.

So, Cranky devised a masterful, she thought, scheme to protect her still pretty new companion from toxins.  She pulled out her very old turkey baster and every time she left the apartment, which was a lot, she’d siphon the water up and out from the Christmas tree stand so Katie couldn’t drink from it while Cranky was out.  Of course, this meant that, after the holidays, the turkey baster was pretty sticky with tree resin and impossible to clean so it had to be thrown out.  And, cheap as Cranky can be, err, ‘frugal,’ she never bought a new baster as she thought the plastic models not healthy and the glass too expensive. So, now Cranky just spoons liquid over things cooking in the oven and with new information garnered from cooking shows, she is also ‘TENTING.’

Cranky thinks the tent theory a good one.  You put liquid on with a spoon but, then, when you tent the dish, i. e. put a foil wrap over it and close it on the sides, the liquid (this is C.’s theory, she hopes she’s right), goes up to the top and then the moisture descends on the dish so that it’s almost like a baster.  Ms. Cranky hopes not to be criticized by the cooking fanatics of which there are many but that’s how she sees it.  And, mostly, no more plastic coupled with heat which is good. 

And, as for the Christmas tree water --- the last few year’s Cranky’s covered the stand with its own little tent of foil and, so far, Katie the beautiful and funny cat, has not thought to dig below it.  Katie is well taken care of in the food and drink department and has plenty of real cold filtered water in her own bowl.

So those are Cranky’s theories on tenting, basting and not poisoning your pets.  And, maybe some time, on the subject of cooking etc., Cranky may talk about funnels for she truly loves funnels but fears she lost a long-term friend over talking about funnels, perhaps a little too enthusiastically --- well, let’s just say that Cranky never saw this guy again, so, she’s a bit reluctant to get into the funnel subject.  But, she also knows she’ll probably not be able to control herself forever.  She may even get a new funnel or even two for Christmas.

Thanks for stopping by. The very best to everybody from our house.  Thanksgiving is a neat holiday, Cranky thinks, it’s calmer than some.  She hopes you have a whole wonderful Thanksgiving week and that people are smiling and kind to you everywhere you go.  She hopes that ‘help’ in shops is helpful and that people don’t walk into your chest while reading their mechanical devices --- that would be something to be grateful for!

Cranky hopes you cook joyfully with or without a baster, a tent, whatever and that you might begin imagining the smell of pine that will soon fill our streets and our homes, if we are so lucky.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Thanksgiving week

Ms. CRANKY --- on why don’t people take out their wallets before their purchases are added up or do they think it’s ‘on the house?’

Once again, Ms. Cranky stood in a long line of  people, waiting with all their things to check out and duly noted that the guy in front of her, a big guy, with a seemingly big attitude, stood and waited while all was checked out, didn’t help the cashier with the bags --- those guys never do, and, only at the very end of the transaction, did he seem to remember that he had to pay and, then, he took an inordinate amount of time looking for his wallet --- was in this pocket or that? Was it in his briefcase --- or, maybe behind his ear? He looked everywhere while the cashier stood mute with her eyes down and slowly, very slowly, the guy peeled out money, one bill at a time --- they love doing that.

And, Ms. Cranky just stood there watching with her charge card all ready ahead of time and her little key chain if they needed the store card thingamabob.  She was READY TO GO, READY TO MOVE AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE so as not to bother her fellow shoppers or hold anyone up behind her, once again wondered --- did this guy think they were giving the groceries away, was there a sign that said “Customer Appreciation Day --- come on in, everything’s free today?”

Ms. Cranky was, once again, baffled.  Why would a grown man, probably one with a good job    (at least his groceries looked like he probably didn’t have to worry about cost), not think to pull out his form of payment before he got up to the cash register, then stand around watching the cashier tally it up, then watch as she bagged for him.

With buses, it’s pretty much the same.  We all stand waiting for the bus in the rain complaining amongst ourselves that it’s late, then the bus finally comes, we’ve been there maybe 20 minutes and I put my umbrella down assuming I’m getting on the bus right away and that’s when the woman in front of me gets on and then and ONLY THEN decides to look for her Metrocard and I’m left out on the street with the rain pouring on me, aghast and wondering --- didn’t she  have the past 20 minutes to get her Metrocard out before boarding the bus?  Is she surprised she has to pay?  Is this her first time on public transportation?

Sorry, if Cranky seems grouchier than usual today but did no one ever educate these people that there are others of us in the world and that they should be like thoughtful, dare I even use the word considerate?  Cranky’s probably still upset about the huge group of us trying to come up the subway stairs on another pouring rain day and the young woman who had draped herself over half of the steps so the many of us trying to exit had to go up single file.  She was there, of course, because she got good phone reception and the rest of us be damned --- forget it if they’re late to work --- let them eat cake!

Hey, people in line for a cashier, remember you have to PAY when you get up there, maybe you could prepare for that shocking situation ahead of time because we’re all stuck behind you and, maybe, you could stop talking on your cell phone at the ATM machine and push the buttons you need, so you can FINISH your transaction and those behind you in line can then have access to the machine.

That’s all for today.   Ms. Cranky is upset all over again just writing this.  But, thanks for stopping by.  The sun’s out in out area and some say it may be out a few more days.  Maybe the sun will help everybody snap into place for a bit.  Cranky prays today and the days ahead go well and mostly kindly and thoughtfully for you.

Ms. CRANKY, November 8, 2011

Just another person in line with groceries, a rider of buses and subways, a user of ATM machines, a fellow stander-in-line.

a Ms. CRANKY short but not sweet

Please, tell Ms. CRANKY what she wants to hear.  Please tell her that it isn't true, that she's imagining it, that maybe she dreamed it. 

Please, please tell Ms. CRANKY that there is not an ad on national mainstream TV advertising deodorant with a man jumping under his wife's or girlfriend's arms as she dances.   Please tell me I'm wrong.  

Hellppppp!!!???

Ms. CRANKY
Friday, October 14, 2011

Ms. CRANKY ON WORD OVERUSE ON TV, PART TWO; THIS TIME ON HER BELOVED COOKING SHOWS

Ms. Cranky loves cooking shows but she waits for house-sitting jobs to see her favorites as she doesn’t have cable on her TV.  If she did, she’d be watching Ina Garten, The Barefoot Contessa on the Food Channel every day; Cranky loves Ina but hasn’t seen her show in over a year.  But, Ms. Cranky does get to see Lidia’s Italy and her favorite people from America’s Test Kitchen as they’re on regular PBS TV that everybody gets. Oh, and Simply Ming, umm, Ming.  

But, Cranky finds that some words on food shows are very overused at times.  Once she actually counted to see how many times a certain word was repeated on a PBS show and the same word was used eleven times --- in just 30 minutes.

Some of the words Ms. Cranky finds overused although very explainable in their use are --- “sweating the onions”. At first, when Ms. Cranky heard ‘sweating the onions’, she thought it a good and valid description but at this point, the overused term is getting a little sweat-inducing.  “Melding” is a beautiful word, meld too and Ms. Cranky loves her words but sometimes she feels like melded to death after a cooking show.  Okay, Cranky admits it’s a nice thought to imagine all these little chopped up (or, ‘diced', more likely) vegetables getting all cozy with each other and having their tastes flop together, it’s a lovely image but after hearing the word meld over and over on the same ½ hour show, you can get downright de-sensitized.

But, the winner and still champ for an over-used word on a cooking show is “caramelized”.  Again, a lovely word, a wonderful, true word that you can visualize so well but eleven times in one short show is a bit overwhelming, especially on a Sunday which is supposed to be a day of rest!  Ms. Cranky loves and applauds the word ‘caramelize’ as she loves and applauds caramels themselves (umm).  But, enough already --- get a Thesaurus, now there’s a word, try something new.

Ouii, Ms. Cranky has to go now.  She has to wash her vegetables to prepare them for dinner.  And, dry out her most gorgeous hot peppers, 10 for $1 at the Farmer’s Market --- so pretty, so vibrantly red.   Cranky isn’t planning to sweat or meld or caramelize anything tonight, well, maybe just a teeny little melding when the glorious cabbage leaves meet the onions and are sprinkled with bright carrot shreds --- just a onetime use of the word --- but, shhh, don’t tell anybody!

Ms. Cranky hopes you have a great day and cook away.  She’ll be thinking of you but, remember, to watch your language.  You’re not only what you eat, you’re what you say about it.

Thanks for stopping by, sorry the weather’s still so cold and gloomy.  Bundle up.

Ms. Cranky, signing off now ---

Monday, October (already) 3, 2011